Friday, April 20, 2012

They Work Hard For the Money! (So You Better Treat Them Right)

I think that prostitution is probably a very hard way to make a living. I would imagine it is way less Pretty Woman and more really, really difficult work. I am guessing that regardless of where your moral compass lies on the whole selling your body thing, just pretending disgusting men are not disgusting but super hot and sexy must be extremely challenging and exhausting all on its own. I´m pretty sure that the number of dashing  Richard Gere type business men who roll up and want to take you on Rodeo Drive shopping sprees and wine and dine you must be pretty few and far between. I also bet that dudes probably don´t always seek the help of a professional in pursuit of their healthiest sexual impulses. Working girls also must often times wear really uncomfortable clothes and shoes and work late hours. Not to mention the fact that they also live under the constant threat of violence and disease. That´s a lot.

For these reasons alone, I feel that they are some of the very last people that a customer should try to cheat out of any money. They work really, really hard and most often because they don´t have any other choices.

However, even if a person is really cheap (And this is a terrible, low rent thing to be. If I go out to dinner with someone and discover that they are a bad tipper, I never feel the same way about them and if you are over the age of 22 please don´t try to quibble over the bill and pay 5 dollars less because you had one less beer. It´s tacky. Just try to keep up next time.), I would hope that if they were specially trained in international crime fighting and discretion they would realize that if the prostitute they hired the night before is demanding more money and they work for an organization that really, really frowns upon that sort of thing that it is a really good time to put your cheapness aside and PAY HER. Pay her extra. Include a really good tip. Give her your watch. Give her anything she wants so she does not alert the police that someone who has been entrusted with the protection of the leader of the free world is either a despicable cheat/cheapskate or somehow under the impression that the city of Cartagena is home to a great number of volunteer sex workers. (I would hope that in international crime fighting classes you learn that there is no such thing.)Seriously, even if you wake up from a black out if you are a professional secret police man you should be able to think your way out of this one. If not, you are in the WRONG game.

Do I think that all those international crime fighter guys should lose their jobs? Hell, yes. However, I am less concerned with the fact that they decided to pay for sex and more concerned with the fact that they are clearly very, very cheap and very, very stupid. This is a terrible combination. Besides, Obama has enough other problems and always looks in need of a very long nap. He should at least have access to better, more reliable protection givers.

The only possible explanation that I could come up with was that perhaps the international crime fighters in question somehow didn´t know the situation. Perhaps they just thought that they had stumbled upon a collection of extremely young, gorgeous, and sexually adventurous young women. I know it sounds bananas, but I have seen it happen while living in Indonesia. I saw many men who liked to sometimes forget that all of the gorgeous young women falling all over them were on the clock. It was nicer to believe that said gorgeous young women had simply fallen victim to their irresistible charm and overwhelming sexual magnetism. Demi Moore clearly has to keep making those documentaries (And forget about Ashton! He's NOT charming!).Would I fall into the same trap if I took a trip to Imaginationland and found myself surrounded by young men who looked like this and seemingly wanted nothing more than to shower me with lots of flattering attention and display a powerful desire to bed me?

Since I already have no problem with the fact that Ryan Gosling is both a Canadian Mormon and a former Mousekateer who somehow sounds like he was born and bred in Brooklyn no matter what role he plays (Who cares? It always sounds wicked hot!), I would say it´s highly possible.

I would like to add that I am pretty sure that I have been subtly propositioned before while traveling in Bali (which is a hot spot for older ladies looking to pay for the company of young men. They call them Kuta Cowboys.). Yes, it´s time to give myself a great big pat on the back! I knew what they were up to! I did not think that I was just looking irresistibly sexy in my sunhat and flops to a 20 year old Balinese guy! But, before I do I would like to add that it´s pretty hard to loose one´s objectivity when being approached by Kuta Cowboys who are literally 1/5 your size. Look at that dude in the middle! I hope someone gave him a sandwich or some nasi goreng immediately after this photo was taken! 

However, I would also say that the events in Cartegena highlight a much greater problem than simple male self deception. What is up with these international crime fighting classes? Are they missing the part about how to tell the difference between a prostitute and a really, friendly lady? Do they not tell these guys some of the signs to look for? I would like to think that I am pretty OK at being able to tell if someone is in the life or not. So, I would like to lend a hand. I would start by watching some episodes of two of my favorite shows from elementary school:

From what I remember Dee Dee McCall and the two ladycops from Miami were always having to go undercover in outfits like these:

Although perhaps a bit dated, I think the costume choices and situations can still give a viewer a pretty good basic idea of what to look for.

They should also be taught to watch out for both of these two types of shoes:

Lucite Heels

                                                                        White Boots

I am pretty sure that the only three types of people who are  allowed to wear them are strippers, prostitutes, and porn stars.
Other helpful hints include lycra dresses, bunny fur jackets, being called ¨Daddy¨, and scantily clad women you don´t know who are standing on dimly lit streets, but not really going anywhere who ask if you would like a ¨date¨. You can totally learn all of these things from Miami Vice and Hunter. If you feel that these are not enough you could move onto the HBO documentaries ¨Life on the Point¨ and ¨Downtown Girls¨. As an educator I see a problem with a lack of meaningful content being provided; The International Crime Fighting Institute should really consider adding these programs to the curriculum.

They could also learn a thing or two from Hilary Clinton. She was able to avoid dabbling in any morally questionable activities and get her party on with just a few brews and some good tunes. I knew I liked her. See? You don´t have to take your clothes off to have a good time!


  1. Dee Dee McCall, brilliant! and an el debarge reference too. you are making me happy. :D

  2. shoot, that was actually jermaine stewart who sang that song. whoops.

  3. Okay, I LOVE LOVE LOVE that photo of Hilary at the end!