I've had a great respect for all things French ever since watching Better Off Dead in the 80's (back when John Cusack only made hilarious/heart warming comedies where he always played the sexy cool underdog and not lamo RomComs). The French exchange student was so cute and sophisticated I just knew they all must be on to something. The fact that the nation is currently led by a tiny man who is not exactly a silver fox who is married to a former super model who not only ruled the runways, but dated Jagger, recorded a kinda cool album of folksie pop music, and was born into an Italian Tire Empire seems like pretty definitive evidence that probably all of the rumors about their talents in the boudior are most likely true. There is seemingly a pretty good reason that they are the nation responsible for the Emanuelle series and French Kissing.
Because of this, when I found myself sharing some cafe con leches with two frenchmen this weekend and the conversation turned to matters of amor I made sure to pay attention. I was especially curious about what they had to say because they were both adorable and charming and in their twenties. Because of this I imagined that they had had a pretty good chance to figure out what was going on around town in terms of sexy stuff.
What they were saying was shocking. They were both in agreement that they had not come across a single person who had a talent for French Kissing or getting busy. Since one was a monsieur and one was a madamoiselle I was getting both the man and the lady perspective. Their complaints included too much biting, make out partners who tried to shove their tongues all the way down their throats, and ones who were way too sloppy. They had similar complaints about other related activities and felt that way too many things were left off the sexual menu.
I was left with so many questions! Do the French really have all these special sexy skills in relation to which all others pale in comparison? If I managed to eventually do any field research (I was cursing myself for letting the 60 year old cabbie slip through my fingers! How was I to know that when Culture Shock Colombia told me that women over 35 got little love in this nation that they were not joking around?), would I even notice what they were talking about as an American? Being almost ten years my junior did the two adorable Frenchmen grow up with so much access to internet porn that their standards had become impossibly high and complicated preferring bedroom activities that I have never even heard about or contemplated as a person on the 30s who had to use the dictionary and my best friend's mom's Cosmos to figure out how things went down?
But most importantly, is it possible that the Latin Lover is some sort of a myth??? Is it no more accurate than the idea that all Asians are math wizards, all Russians are Communist grumps, and all Germans are deeply weird? After all of my travels had I failed to view the stereotype through a critical lens because it just sounded too appealing. Did I have to allow for the possibility that maybe anyone can do the Lambada? Have I been guilty of buying into a cultural stereotype. Are sexy times no sexier in Colombia than say Minnesota or Winnepeg? I don't know! However, when two sexy frenchmen speak up it is hard not to admit to the possibility that where there is smoke there is fire. Have you seen Carla Bruni? She is smoking hot! They know secrets!
Was I picturing this sort of trip to South America?
I don't know. Maybe? (However I would like to take this opportunity to say that while I am all for movies which depict older women getting their groove on or back, I could have been totally OK with not seeing Shirley Valentine's boobs). Who hasn't had at least a few Joan Wilder type fanatasies where you go to a foreign land and meet a either a swarthy man or a Michael Douglas adventurer who sweeps you off your feet? Remember how much better Kathleen Turned looked after she ditched the power suit and bun and found her way to Cartegena with Michael Douglas in search of that stone?
It seems that I must admit that there is at least a chance that all of the time I have spent assuming that these guys all had special romance/bedroom skills may have been erroneous.
Even though I had to disagree with a friend who claimed that Jarvier was still super hot while wearing the little dutch boy wig and mass murdering people in No Country For Old Men, I always he assumed that he was crazy sexy in a way that was distinctly Spanish.
What about Menudo? Could they really French Kiss no better than say The Backstreet Boys or In'Sync? The very thought of this possibility totally blows my mind.
Is the fact that Antonio Banderas is married to Melanie Griffith not so strange after all?
When the lights go out is the only difference between being with Diego Luna and being with Ryan Seacress the accent?
But more importantly, where do all the French dudes in Bogota hang out?