Sunday, September 9, 2012


Ironically, since coming to Colombia I have embarked on one of the squarest periods of my adult life. It might have something to do with the relatively conservative nature of the organization I am working with. I am not complaining, since I am not totally sure I would be ready to party it up at a Bogota dive bar and I have little interest in being given any of that zombie drug. However, it has made blogging a little bit more difficult. While I have enjoyed elements of being a fancy bitch who goes to five star restaurants (Ok, probably just three and four, but they seem like five to me), I have had a hard time coming up with hilarious stories about appetizers, moderate drinking, and returning home at reasonable hours.

Cartagena, a city on the coast 

However, a while back I had a stroke of luck! I was at a party and some locals started talking about a tradition the men have on the Coast of Colombia. They claimed that many, many men on the coast love having donkey sex. At first, I was not sure how accurate it sounded since many Colombians from the capitol don't think the Costenos, people from the coast, are super classy. In addition to this, I am really not an animal person and the idea of wanting to have intercourse with a member of the animal kingdom under any circumstances sounded absolutely bananas to me, not to mention unsanitary and more than slightly depraved. I thought that perhaps it was just a rumor perpetuated by negative stereotypes about that part of the nation and that my Colombian amigos were exaggerating due to the fact that most of them (meaning Colombians in general, not my amigos specifically) like to drink like they are at a freshman party. Given different comments that I had heard, it seemed that the Coastenos were viewed sorta like the American hillbilly, only much, much sexier. And since I don't think that EVERY hillbilly is missing important teeth and married to their sister or brother, I was not convinced that tons and tons of muchachos on the coast were trying to get into the bone zone with the hottest donkeys in town. I've heard about these type of things in Mexico, but weren't those Donkey Shows just a way to make money off of perverted tourists, not for fun. Right???

Of course, I kept trying to get some more info because curiosity really does kill the cat.  One Colombian explained to me that the men enjoy sexo with the donkeys on the coast because they have "magic baginas". He described how the MBs do all the work enabling the hombres to just stand their doing almost nothing except maybe tickling the donkey's back with a stick. Perhaps I lack erotic imagination, but I was having a really hard time believing how anyone could enjoy any of this.  It just did not sound very sexy to me. Certainly not sexy enough to have an entire part of a country ( a country where you can legally hire a prostitute of the same species, BTW)  all into it. After hearing about these sultry burros and their MBs, I simply had to know more. So, I took my doubts and my questions to Google and according to Google it was all TRUE. Aye dios mios!

The first thing I found was a Vice Documentary that made it seem like a pretty popular thing to do in the smaller villages on the coast. The people were pretty open and talked about how it was a real old timey tradition. They seemed to have no problems discussing how many donkey lovers they had had (some dozens, some 100s) and what moves worked best (YUCK).  Groups of young teenagers described how they liked to get together and  get some hot donkey action as a Sunday Funday Activity. What is so wrong with a nice game of soccer or throwing back a few cold cervezas???

   If you don't believe me check it out for yourself (Shockingly, I am pretty certain this link is in no way safe for work):

 According to the documentary, adolescent boys are encouraged to have sex with donkeys in order to become better lovers and increase the size of their members (which is why one man claimed his doctor recommended it). I'm no Doctor Ruth, but I have serious doubts that donkey sex will actually help either one of these things. I can't see how doing it with a donkey would make a guy more in tune with how to please a lady and I can't see it increasing the size of his manhood unless those MBs are really, really magical. They suggested that because Colombia is such a Catholic nation it was hard for the 14 year old set to find willing human partners because the girls are waiting for marriage because of God. However, since it is also a pretty macho nation, virginity is seen as not very cool. Therefore, it is better to do it with some burros than to hold on to your V card. I am pretty sure that Jeezo did a big one of these when he heard about all this.

Apparently, a few villages even have an event called the Fiesta del Burros to celebrate boys losing their virginity to some really sexy donkeys.

Now, from what I've heard 14 year old boys can get turned on by just about anything. But, this? Really? If any of my dude friends would care to weigh in I would greatly appreciate it, because I am really at a loss. Is it the wig? The oh so fetching eye make up?

I tried to find out more about the festival, but there was very little about it on the internets. I guess Lonely Planet has not found out about it yet. However, while trying to get Google to tell me more I discovered that Fiesta del Burros is also the name of a Mexican restaurant in Myrtle Beach. Even though they seemed to have a pretty decent happy hour special I hope never to go there even if I find myself in the area with a powerful craving for some guac. I don't think I would be able to enjoy even the tastiest of burritos with visions of tarted up donkeys and horny 13 year old boys dancing through my head.

After finding all this info on the Internet I thought it was still best to check with an actual Costeno, just to make sure. Because honestly, I still was having some big trouble wrapping my head around all of this. Well, my amigo from the coast confirmed it all. He even told a story about a man from his village who was carrying on with a donkey even after he was married (guys are sorta expected to stop it after they get a real live girl, but some discover that they really like it and continue). The wife became crazed with jealousy because the donkey would follow her husband through the streets hee hawing at him seductively. Now, I am no relationship expert but it would seem to me that this would be a sign of some very, very big problems in your marriage.

I try to be open minded and accept that all people are into different stuff. Some of it is weird, but if it is not hurting anybody and does not involve me personally, who cares?

If people want to dress up like fuzzy animals and get it on, then so be it.  I just reserve the right to laugh at said people and to think the entire idea is completely bonkers.

If people want to act like babies and wear diapers and look for a nice "mommy", I guess that is OK. However, I would maybe like to suggest that they think about seeking some professional help instead of finding each other in online communities and thinking it is simply a different "lifestyle choice" because I am pretty sure that they are insane.

However, I must say I can find no way to rationalize donkey love or any other kind of bestiality for that matter.  As Dan Savage, an extremely funny sex columnist,  pointed out it is never OK since animals can't consent which makes it all pretty rapey. Besides, it's really gross and I am pretty sure I don't feel that way just because I believe that all animals belong in the zoo.

I even think all this donkey business is even creepier than having a clown fetish. And I really hate clowns (I just found out this even existed last week while watching Gigolos and I have not really recovered yet. My friend Sofia tells me that Dan Savage also finds it really scary. I knew I liked that Dan Savage.)

Perhaps at the end of the day, I am just a bougie white girl who, try as I might, is just not all that open minded.

I am going to the coast in a couple of weeks. Between all the chicks who look like Shakira and all those sassy burros, I don't think I stand a chance.