Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Could I Like A Man in a Uniform?

This song has been totally going through my head since I started work. I think it's because I have been experiencing a little bit of culture shock having nothing to do with having just moved to South America and seeing lots of bomb sniffing dogs at the mall and men in fatigues with automatic weapons guarding the banks and the streets. It's more that my new office is a little more conservative than I'm used to.

Let me explain. After spending the majority of the past ten years in San Francisco and Brooklyn living in neighborhoods filled mainly with young bohemians, most of the guys I know fall into one of these three categories:




At my new place of business most of the guys I see look a lot more like this:


This leaves me with all sorts of questions. Mainly, I am going to get in trouble? Is a guy in dark glasses going to corner me and start asking me a series of questions only to reveal that I get most of my news from The Onion and The Daily Show, have a very shaky understanding of what the three branches of government actually do, and that I don't actually know most of the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner? Or even worse, will they be able to look in my eyes and know that I have only voted ONCE and that was only because my BFF trifecta all banded together and threatened to break up with me as friends if I did not vote in the last Presidential Election? Mister Obama, you owe Carley, Matt, and Sofia a very big thank you.

 I am also concerned that I might forget myself and somehow mention that I am seriously considering defecting to Canada if Rick Santorum wins the Republican nomination and have been spending a lot of time wondering why more people aren't discussing Mitt Romney's magic Mormon underpants (Google it people! Google it!). If I do, will I be branded some sort of Communist of Libertarian and treated with suspicion? Or will they somehow get in touch with my amiga, Professor Hardy, and learn what my favorite track on Straight Outta Compton was back in the 90's and consider me subversive.

It's not like I haven't been curious about these other types of gentlemen. I have long suspected that perhaps the guys that wear suits and uniforms are better at things like paying bills and other adult type stuff. This is the exact stuff that I am terrible at. I have always feared that if I teamed up with another person who shared my lack of practical grown up skills it might not turn out so hot. And by not so hot I mean living in a van down by the river not so hot.

The thing of it is I have a feeling these uniform/suit guys might think I'm a little too coo coo and try to shoot me a side eye if I told any off color stories (which is known to happen every now and again). However, this is all pure conjecture on my part. My hipster/homosexual/skater social circle leaves me with very little to go on. I know lots of guys who still know how to shot gun a beer, but not many that would class themselves as patriots.  Therefore, I could be basing my entire thesis on the elite liberal media conspiracy.

Luckily, I did overhear someone singing along to "Mamma Said Knock You Out" in their cubicle the other day. I'm pretty sure that even though he wears a suit and tie everyday , we could probably still bro down. I've been working on opening lines:

"Hola! LL Cool J? Fantastico! Nosotros Amigos?"


"Me encanta LL Cool J tambien! Ayudame! Solo he votado una vez!"

Do you think it will work?

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